It's not on the surface. It's deeper than I expected. It's a calm that I am now afraid of.
The first few times I liked it.
I looked for it, kept wanting the edge to come back. I know the edge, it's comfortable. It's where I lived.
Now, I can't decide. Calm or storm?
Or is this the fabled eye?
I want the edge, I think. The cut doesn't go as deep.
It wasn't hard to go back. I just had to know how far. It was just beyond the edge of my previous sight. I was standing at the point where I could see only so far. I could see into the loop that I was such in. I wanted the beauty in front of me to be mine, it would have been my escape.
Now, the beautiful things are still there, just not as bright. I can see beyond and into the next step. The switch had been turned and it doesn't open anything for you. You'll have to find your own struggle, your own way.
This is a dictated post. I'm actually speaking this out loud, so my thoughts tend to be a little more coherent concise consensus. Paragraph.
So now I know how to indent, and Things Can Fly.
So the two became one. And when you take the two apart, they are not the same. Putting them back together only makes the roof more noticeable.
You greet the barrier with a firm resolve to ingraine every shard into your memory, not just your flesh.
The times you were less than.
The broken fragments you caused.
Promises broken.
Time slows as you watch the first lines of fracture creep from the point where there was a final disagreement, over who could occupy the space. You won.
Congratulations. Now. ..
Comes the rebuttal. Razor sharp and the pain doesn't register. At first.
It will be there later. This, you already knew.
Not like it was the first time. That was different. That one left no scars.
The fracture grows and you smile inside, and out. Because you know that this will serve to keep you from harm. Not being harmed, not harming. Not being the one to drag them down with you.
Only you can survive this decent. The curse was cast on you and alone. It will never lift, only down. Only the ones closest. So, scar and rant, persist to be more than can be handled. And at the bottom, greet the barrier once again, and you will win.
I don't know why I try. I am not who I want and I want who I cannot. There is a singularity to me and I must embrace it.
I will be the vanishing point of a line that should have died out. An apex. A line that faded.
You do not know me. Don't pretend. There is no feeling here, just the condemned.
Nothing is as painful as finding what you've wished for and then realizing it cannot be yours.
Just show me what I desire and dangle it like so much candy.
I see you in torn jeans and a short Bob cut. I want more, your name, favorite food, the color of your favorite shoe.
I want a morning with you in silent staring into each others eyes and coffee where we don't talk.
What the hell do I have to give up to get you?
It's not you, it's the feeling you give me. It grows, I get used to it. I need more, faster, longer, ...
Scare me.
Make me fight within myself, make me push past the hesitation and commit.
More,
I ride because it's what I do. You sleep, I ride. You work, I ride to work. You play, I play when I ride.
Yeah, it's my therapy, my muse, my release.
People let me down. I ride. I give to the machine and it gives back. No argument, no backing out. It is made to ride.
So am I. It's what I do.
I go on everyday without it. Do I miss it?
Does it ever cross my mind?
Only when I am alone and I can let something out. When I am alone in my mind. When no one can be there to be a support. I have to survive this on my own.
I must put back the missing. What with?
It can be my choice.
I'm just going to write.
Maybe not every day, but still.
How many times do we all say we will do something and never follow ALL the way through?
I must learn to pick the line and sick it, you know. ..
I mean minor adjustments aside, just lean and trust. Mostly, trust in yourself. That you'll know the limits of the world and still have the heart to push them. Just a bit, sometimes. ..all the way.
The speed doesn't motivate. The lean feels normal. Twisting faster, looking farther. It's gone.
The moment doesn't come.
The numb scared me more than the feeling. I can't go back and reach anymore.
I see you right there. Just daring me.
I have failed so much before and the future is not with you.
A symbol of something I don't pretend to understand. A question that I never ask.
I ride to remember and to forget. I remember those who have gone on before me. I call them friend. That are memories who cannot argue.
It's been a whole since I ranted something. I want something. Someone. Some where.
Not this shit of an excuse.
It's been a while since I last spoke out. The weather is getting colder and the push is being questioned.
