pushing things

SO,

I am forcing myself to start this post.  Things have been working out well lately and I feel like snubbing my metaphorical nose at the powers that be. 

tempting fate is what we're all about.  We all want to be the heroic center of the world. Some, maybe not all.  And, I think that I'm falling into the ranks of the latter.  I think that the man in the shadows rarely gets his just attention, and that's the way he prefers it. 

There are only so many people that you can keep happy in a given period of time.  Shouldn't we include ourselves in at least the top 5?   Why not?  I am the one that I'm going to live with the longest. 
The one that I'll grow old with.  And, I'm a shitty companion.  I'd rather be the doctor.

Again I get to prove that. 

So, my heart is coming back to me soon.  I get to have a new lease on life and I'll post pictures of the operation soon.

Persistence

You don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ...
ever, give up.

Odin plucked out his own eye to gain knowledge.  That showed his determination.

Prometheus chose an eternity of having his entrails removed again and again, every day, in order to bring fire to Man.

What we are willing to sacrifice is a direct correlation to what we gain.

octane

It's the wrong combination of things to give someone.

The high test and a sense of mortality.  That edge of life feeling that tells you that you're flying.  Catching the current of forces that put you in control.  Control of just one things.
It's the music of white noise that is generated at 120.  The desire to get there.  That's where I meditate.  Focus
absolute
directed
sublime

reaching

flying

alive.

If you can imagine for a minute, you forgot that you were breathing.  It went back to that part of your brain that is supposed to regulate that stuff.  You focused, extended yourself into the world and found contact with something other than yourself.  The earth, others, and even others who matter.

Chemistry

SO,

I haven't posted in a while.  My mental state is still in flux.
It all can be related to the bike.  Trying to get the parts to fit.  Wondering why my timing isn't right. Why don't the gears mesh. 
Sometimes, it's chemistry.  The minute little things are the most important.  It's the critical point where we miss the interactions.  The timing, being aware of the things around us and how they affect what we are hyper-focused on.  We have to take a step back and remember that there is a world that still requires attention. 
Pay the bills, shower, brush teeth, feed the dog.

It's chemistry, keep the mixture balanced.

Drop out

There is never a moment that I don't have a weightless feeling in my gut lately.  What if I get it wrong again?
How do we as people deal with the massive hammer of life and get back up every time?

I haven't decided how to deal with this latest surge, it is still rolling me over in the surf and I haven't felt like I have a decent breath. It's the knowing that I'll get a chance soon and I know that the pylons are right there.  that's what I get for going so close to the pier.  It's a surfing analogy I know, fuck it. 

How does a riding analogy work?:
Well, I am riding on one cylinder and leaning past the point of traction on my worn out tires and the brakes are glazed.  I keep the throttle right on the edge of chopping.  You know the point.  The tense and sweaty moment of looking past your apex and realizing that your skills aren't at the level you want them.  You hold your breath and keep pushing.  Isn't that the moment that we are supposed to feel alive?  That moment that we find that we excel beyond what we thought we could previously do? 

Yeah, that's where I am.  I have to decide that I'm pushing past and standing the bike back up.  Stick that lean, don't let up, hope and pray that the other cylinder comes back in and that sick bottom of the gut feeling gets to turn into a great story of 'almost' instead of an accident report.

Keep pushing fellow riders.  That bike is life and it's just an analogy.  But, surfing is fun too.

Late day thoughts.

There is a distinct and obvious difference between need and want.
Sometimes want becomes so powerful that it outweighs need.
Air, water, food.
Acceptance.
Which is greater?
For some, acceptance is the key. The want that rivals need.
Once you find acceptance, look to see if it comes from yourself. Accept your weakness, your flaws, your demons.
If you look inside and do not find acceptance of self. You're basically screwed.

It will be the same

I walk alone.
I learn solitude instead of loneliness.

This way, when I walk eternity, I'll be ready for the journey.

Solitude

I have left you alone too long.

I neglected and walked right by.  What I intended isn't happening.
I need to burn the purpose into my mind and flesh. So much comes between me and my goals and I allow it.

How does one acquire true purpose and dedication?  Purity of purpose. 
You learn solitude.  Abandon all else and dedicate.

Hope

Really want to watch something scary?
Give someone hope.
Watch them feed it, nurture it, keep it right next to their heart.
That'll keep them going, even after the thing they hope for is gone.

You take it all

So, who wants the good without the bad?  It's the bad that defines us.

We are the sum of all things in our lives.  The wanting, the lack of patience...
The wanting.
Yeah, we all want.  The beautiful partner, the riches, the fame and glory.  Some want to have the lack thereof.
We all want and expect.  How can we hope to have it all if we don't risk something

It must be that something is lost before something can be gained.  What are you willing to lose to gain?

Love, money, an arm, your sanity.  The H.P. Lovecraft mythos stated this is a very elegant way.
To gain the knowledge of the Old Ones, you lost your sanity.  Humans aren't able to process the concepts. 

So, what more do I give up?  What have I already lost to be where I am and can I grasp what I have already?  Can any of us?  What would I give up for one more time of Therapy?  Could I be that patient?  Will the opportunity be there for me?  Would I give up Therapy for something less?
Fuck me no!!!

I will never forget where I am going and how I want to get there.  No one should give up their journey.  The low parts of the road are where we are forged and that, that is who we truly are, the low parts.

Delusional

It's the times that we allow ourselves to be delusional that we are truly crazy.
Thinking that others really enjoy your company when it's the being alone that you prevent.
We bring the slow death of 'happiness'.
We learn that we all will die alone and being lonely is just a fear.

Isn't the constant dull pain better than the sharp jab in the back?
You can live with the constant and every now and then it fades. The trick is not forgetting that the pain is never far away.

When you know better

When your gut talks to you and is louder than the voice in the rest of your body, it's not hunger.

We all need to learn to not be stupid. Watch for social cues and trust yourself. Otherwise you are an idiot.

How you hold me

It's how you hold me.

The feeling of being connected. The roughness of the road and the softness of you. Feeling the breathe I take and sharing the lean. Edging towards something that I long for and desire above all else.

That giant smack of realization that this is it. This is my drive and my craving.

Being one. Pick it up, slow it down. We agree to go together. I feel my smile and see the shadows flick by as a bird's shadow keeps pace.

Gotta get my head checked.

Why do I let other life get in my way? Why do any of us?

Just pick your poison and drink it down. Feel the burn as it takes all else away. It'll kill the rest of the things that burden you. It'll define you. What you are not can be used to tell the world who you are.

Where inside myself is the thing that will drive me to be better, and not for others? For me.
I'm ready for the acid burn purification of dedication. Of obsession. Let me be known for singularity.

I need my head checked for those doubts and have them purged. Not just noted, but scorched from the mental landscape of my id and ego.

I will be starting the fire now. The one that will signal to others in the night that I am unafraid of being seen. I will rage on to my goals and beyond.

Intake

I will breathe the fire that comes from my ruin. It will burn out my flaws and leave me pure.
I will relish the scars that I gather from trying and finding out that I failed, they will show my attempt and resolve.
I will take the laughter of those around me who hear my words because it will tell me they do not think the same way.

Facebook Free

I have removed the dreaded Facebook from my life. 

Why

Why believe if it isn't real?
Why care if it doesn't matter?
Nothing remains, it all changes.
No one stays, they all move.
So, move. Become the motion and don't look back. Be faster. Mock the wind and sky. Be the force that others chase and covet.
Be of one. Connect to yourself and do not reach out. The world will go on without you and never miss a beat.
Every one longs to be remembered and it is not lasting. We are not stars, we are the blackness between. The point of all things ceasing. And it moves. Don't stop. Flow and don't think.
Don't seal the moment or the connection, because there isn't one. We create them for fear of being lost without.
In the vastness of what is, we are not.

You say goodbye, I say expensive

So, the cylinders and the new pistons are on their way to L.A. Sleeve. Which isn't in LA. Go figure.
In the interim, I am starting on the electrical board and wiring. Oh yeah, trying to sell a kidney to fund the next round of parts. Anyone interested?

I'm going to start keeping track of how many times I have to drop the cases into the frame as I need to account for routing and such.

A few people have commented, though not on here, about "original" and "correctness".
Again, I say, get your own and quit your fucking blah blah blah.

Sacrifice yourself

Give yourself to a dream.

See how far you can push things to get what you want.
Give something up to get something else.
Go without.
Beg.
Borrow.
Bleed.
Lose sleep.
Get it the time it needs, but. ..

Never, ever, ever quit. Be the one obsessed. Let them see the fear of failure is gone.

Dream

Dreaming

Why is it, but my dreams don't involve being somewhere? They are about going. Just going.
Sure, there's a destination and such, but the way I get there is what I think the most of.

I've got nothing.

It's funny that I look to this thing as a social outlet.  The amount of people that I know does not equal the number of people that read this thing.

So, the frame was worked on yesterday and that caused an entire stink. Long story that won't get published here. 

But, I will say that corporate mentality is the bane of my life.  I have decided that I don't care for this middle management life that I have found myself wedged into.  No room at the top and nowhere to go.  The feeling of being trapped is the twist in my gut and bile in my throat.  The uppers view me more as a tool than a person and I've started looking for a way out. 

So, here's the rant.
Fuck that guy, the one that wants to politically step down on me and has not a rat-shit idea of what I am, who I am.  He's the one that deserves to be shot, stabbed, drawn and quartered, poisoned, and all while I smile at his fuck-tard of a face. What a shit.  I'm trying to build something and you, you hemorrhoid, what to push your "weight" around just because you make more.  Well, fuck you and your idea. I'm out of this rat trap.  Time to move on.

AC / DC day.

I fixed the case cracks. ..
See? Back to Crack.

Add caption

Buried somewhere in here is an engine dying to get out. 

Crank isn't that bad of a thing

No, not the drug.  My crank.  Gods, you people need help.  Mostly because you spend your time reading this stuff.

So, progress report.  The crank that I got as a replacement is good to go.  The journal measurements are dead on with the manual.  Small miracles if you ask me.  I was expecting a regrind and those aren't cheap.  Anyway, new con-rod bearing in the near future and the jugs....

Man, just fuck me.  I buy a new cylinder set and it's at the bore limit.  Thanks to the dip-shit who sold it on e-bay that didn't, or wouldn't, read a fucking micrometer.  It's not that hard.  Better yet, I can excuse that since he didn't charge that much for it. 

So, I really don't have much to gripe about.  But, you guys know me well enough to realize that I did and will.
Later.

Where it all comes from

So, this is what it looked like when it was born.  Butt-spanking new and ready to thrash the shit out of some poor unsuspecting young Brit.

Now, it changes, like we all do.  Some change is for the better and some is for the worse.  Why make the fuckin distinction?  It's just change.  It happens, it's natural and no I don't give a shit if you like what I do.  It's mine to change and the changes are for me.  You want to see something different?  Get one of your own after a ten year wait and then you can.

But, I rant. So, where does this all come from.  Easy, I made a choice.  It's the easiest thing to do, just accept the consequence. 


On a completely different, topic, comments are being accepted.  Just not ones about the bike and what you'd do differently.

Almost wired up

 

I've used up the last day off that I'll have for a few weeks, this doesn't mean no progress though.  Waking hours not spent at a job are getting dedicated to every available process and detail that I can do with the little funding that I have.  Anyone know a generous hedge fund manager?

I really am having to think this through.

My rant has to do with not having enough. 

Time for a change

I've decided to quit bitching...

Unless something else comes up.  I look around at the work that others do and wonder what part of life did they give up?  For balance in all things, something must be lost for something to be gained.

What am I willing to give up?  Time, sleep, connections with others?  What do I want to gain?

Wanting to sleep

So, I've come this far. 
A hollow husk of a heart that begs to sleep.  Wanting. To. Sleep.
I think that the effort that we give our gods should be placed into things that are real.  Who wants to save all of mankind? Are we worth saving?

I'm just writing now, no real message or purpose. Just words that will someday trip through that ether in another mind that I have no clue.  Well, I do have a purpose.  Just not with these words.

Change of subject.

I like it tight.

Yeah, the frame was 40 thousandths too tight. A Porta power, some heat to 500. Let cool.
Just right.
The days have rolled on and I have realized a depression was vexing me. Fuckin life got in my way. I wasn't motivated to do anything. Well, now the problem is getting the new parts.
Anyone need a kidney?

Fuck the miles

Fuck the miles, the distance isn't too far. I want to be the one who rides the total and goes back again.
Numbers don't matter. They never did. I can fly down the longest stretch with a single continuous breath. I'll claim you, make my name synonymous with yours.
They will know, I will know you.

Putting you to bed

It was the worst day. Deciding that you were too much. I shot too high. I wanted something real and you, you were just a dream.
When you find your dream, don't pursue it. Let it live as a dream and forget the struggle that will remain. Always a struggle.
I could find you, breathe life into your body. Give you strength and power. But I will let you die. Thrown out with all the rest and go on. No more dreaming. No more life.
Just the struggle that remains.

Something clever

Nothing.

Pay attention to what's on your plate

So, the picture is the end result of not paying attention to what I had going on. How does this relate to life on two?
Just pay attention to what's in front of you. Traffic, timing marks, tire pressure. ..

Twisted and wrong

Fuck the guy who decided to twist you and make you wrong. Screw him for the half-assed job of trying to fix you.
I'm sure there were best intentions, like wanting to be there but not making the actual effort. To little, to late. There won't be another time. There is only now and here.
So, yes. I will make it right, I will make the effort. I will do what another couldn't, or wouldn't.
But, fuck that guy.

Wanderlust

Every so often, I write what I an actually thinking. No soul under me. Plenty of work to do.
The rest of the world rips and tears the rubber right off like an orc-ish barbarian. You can fight and struggle. But, until you find that the ride is your center. ..
That commitment to the cycle is what gets you going. ..
That the rolling box is an irritant. ..
That life is just times in between rides. ..
That the caress of the wind stinging you is a sweet kiss. ..
Well, maybe it's just me.

No motor, No cry

So, yeah. Even the crank was broke.

What isn't broken?

What the fuck isn't broken? I mean right down to the frame and swingarm.
I'll post pictures later.

Shocking news

I have found a new level of tired.  I sit here and write instead of brewing coffee, losing sleep, again, and going out into the cold to resurrect the beast the dwells in my garage. 

I say beast, and mean it.  The term 'basket case' is the bane of every great intention.  Let me explain:
No cylinders, carbs, exhaust, oil tank, tires, control cabels, and a layer of dust that causes sneezing fits just being near the bike.

I have decided to really take the bike's life into my hands and rewind the stator.  It's the classic 5-wire Lucas, yes Prince of Darkness Lucas, for the Hornet.  I'm converting to a 6-pole 3-phase system.  No one else makes one, only a two-wire single-phase mod is out there...

So, the mapping is done...now the winding...maybe tomorrow when I can see straighter...