octane

It's the wrong combination of things to give someone.

The high test and a sense of mortality.  That edge of life feeling that tells you that you're flying.  Catching the current of forces that put you in control.  Control of just one things.
It's the music of white noise that is generated at 120.  The desire to get there.  That's where I meditate.  Focus
absolute
directed
sublime

reaching

flying

alive.

If you can imagine for a minute, you forgot that you were breathing.  It went back to that part of your brain that is supposed to regulate that stuff.  You focused, extended yourself into the world and found contact with something other than yourself.  The earth, others, and even others who matter.

Chemistry

SO,

I haven't posted in a while.  My mental state is still in flux.
It all can be related to the bike.  Trying to get the parts to fit.  Wondering why my timing isn't right. Why don't the gears mesh. 
Sometimes, it's chemistry.  The minute little things are the most important.  It's the critical point where we miss the interactions.  The timing, being aware of the things around us and how they affect what we are hyper-focused on.  We have to take a step back and remember that there is a world that still requires attention. 
Pay the bills, shower, brush teeth, feed the dog.

It's chemistry, keep the mixture balanced.

Drop out

There is never a moment that I don't have a weightless feeling in my gut lately.  What if I get it wrong again?
How do we as people deal with the massive hammer of life and get back up every time?

I haven't decided how to deal with this latest surge, it is still rolling me over in the surf and I haven't felt like I have a decent breath. It's the knowing that I'll get a chance soon and I know that the pylons are right there.  that's what I get for going so close to the pier.  It's a surfing analogy I know, fuck it. 

How does a riding analogy work?:
Well, I am riding on one cylinder and leaning past the point of traction on my worn out tires and the brakes are glazed.  I keep the throttle right on the edge of chopping.  You know the point.  The tense and sweaty moment of looking past your apex and realizing that your skills aren't at the level you want them.  You hold your breath and keep pushing.  Isn't that the moment that we are supposed to feel alive?  That moment that we find that we excel beyond what we thought we could previously do? 

Yeah, that's where I am.  I have to decide that I'm pushing past and standing the bike back up.  Stick that lean, don't let up, hope and pray that the other cylinder comes back in and that sick bottom of the gut feeling gets to turn into a great story of 'almost' instead of an accident report.

Keep pushing fellow riders.  That bike is life and it's just an analogy.  But, surfing is fun too.

Late day thoughts.

There is a distinct and obvious difference between need and want.
Sometimes want becomes so powerful that it outweighs need.
Air, water, food.
Acceptance.
Which is greater?
For some, acceptance is the key. The want that rivals need.
Once you find acceptance, look to see if it comes from yourself. Accept your weakness, your flaws, your demons.
If you look inside and do not find acceptance of self. You're basically screwed.

It will be the same

I walk alone.
I learn solitude instead of loneliness.

This way, when I walk eternity, I'll be ready for the journey.

Solitude

I have left you alone too long.

I neglected and walked right by.  What I intended isn't happening.
I need to burn the purpose into my mind and flesh. So much comes between me and my goals and I allow it.

How does one acquire true purpose and dedication?  Purity of purpose. 
You learn solitude.  Abandon all else and dedicate.

Hope

Really want to watch something scary?
Give someone hope.
Watch them feed it, nurture it, keep it right next to their heart.
That'll keep them going, even after the thing they hope for is gone.